A Head in

Transparent John

Onions Don't Cry

Drop Kick

Chipper

String

Snake Charming

Spirit Sunday - This Week Schwarzer Kater

This week – Schwarzer Kater ($29 500mL)

Let's get straight to the heart of this: it tastes like medicine. Please read on, though. It tastes like medicine, yes, but like the medicine you used to love as a child, that stange combination of fruit flavours, bitterness, sweetness and tang that you, as a child, could only find in certain brands of cough syrup. Before we were old enough to have 'grown-up' drinks, we could only explore theese sorts of tastes by hacking up a lung and being medicated. Schwarzer Kater, a black current liquer, lets you revisit all these memories and tastes, but with far greater legitimacy.

Given that the entire bottle is written is German I admit to a fair degree of fumbling before I found the intended combination of spirit/mixer. The taste is strong enough that to mix it with a fruit juice or soft drink just leads to conflict (flavourly speaking, of course), so a good splash in a small glass of cold water brings it to a more drinkable place. For those who don't mind to sip stronger stuff it still tastes great over ice and even at room tempurature. 

 

It's is a little more syrupy than a heavy port, and at %22 makes a hearty go of its half-spirit status without any real taste of alcohol. In my research I found that black current liquers of this variety were once used by monks in Europe as a 'cure for everything', prompting me to make the connection above.

It would make a great addition to any cocktail cabinet, especially as an alcoholic alternative to grenadine, just to add a punch while keeping the sweetness.

Schwarzer Kater rates 3.25 stars.

The Exotic Beer Weekly (EBW) - This Week Murphy's Stout

This Week - Murphy’s Law ($16 per 4-pack o' cans)

 

Drinking beer out o’ a can has bothered me ever since I was a wee lad. Something about it just feels a wee bit off. I've never liked it. I can always taste an almost metallic flavour. But hey, that’s just me. I’ll never be able to reconcile my differences with those who enjoy drinking out o’ a can, just like Northern Ireland and the Republic o’ Ireland will never be able to reconcile their differences. 

 

Speaking of Ireland, This week’s EBW (Exotic Beer of the Week) marks my first visit to the United Kingdom, taking me to the land o’ the potato-eating, river-dancing, Guinness-skulling Irish. It’s also my first stout: Murphy’s Irish Stout.

Murphy’s seems like a pretty standard stout. Black as coffee, with a creamy head about an inch thick when I poured it into a cup. When I first drank it out o’ the can, I was prepared to give Murphy’s an extremely low rating. I wasn’t sure if I didn’t like stout, or if Murphy’s was just a bad example of a stout. However, as you, my dearest and fondest reading few, well know, I have an extreme prejudice against drinking from cans. 

 

When I eventually found a clean cup into which I could pour, and subsequently drink it from, everything changed. What I thought was bitter and foul as an Irish winter, was actually sweet and flavourful, perhaps due to the use of chocolate malt. It’s actually very easy to drink, quite dry, with almost no carbonation, and much less bitter than Guinness. Like a leprechaun guards his pot o’ gold, I found myself coveting the last wee drops o’ the final can, to savour what I had come to enjoy for just a bit longer. Oh yeah, and it comes in 500ml cans. What is this, you may ask? This, my friend, is a pint. [Almost, a pint is 568mL, but I see what he was trying to do - Ed]

I award Murphy’s Irish Stout 3.5 potatoes out of 5.

Pot, Kettle, Camouflage

Help with the fencing

A Beautiful and Unique Snowflake

Hanna Banero and the Cabbage Kids

"I Was Born On a Pirate Ship"

Pug Dog Origins

Cabinet Reshuffle

Four Left Feet

Who Invited U

The Exotic Beer Mega-Review #1

And now for something completely different…

This week, with your permission, dearest reading several, I’d like to try something a little different. Rather than reviewing one beer, I’m going to review four at the same time. Yes, you heard me right (or rather, read). Every so often I’m going to pick four beers, linked by some common theme, and rank them in order of drinkability.

Mega-Review #1 - Beez Neez, Fat Yak, Big Helga’s, and Redback.

These four beers are conveniently avaliable packaged together in Matilda Bay’s The Big 8 Pack (Available Dan Murphys, $22.99). Matilda Bay is a small brewing company in WA, which produces mainly craft beers from lagers and ales, to ciders and even a raspberry beer.

The theme connecting the beers in this Mega-Review is not tangible; it’s got nothing to do with the beers themselves. Rather, it alludes to a dark time in my past that those who know me well know about, and laugh, about. I won’t say exactly what it is, but suffice it to say that she enjoyed the month far more than I did. So on to the beers.

1. Redback. The Wheat beer.

A flavour I can’t quite place takes over my palate, aggravating me to no end, forcing me to take another sip quickly to try and recapture, and savour the flavour, if you’ll pardon the pun. Is it wheat or oats, or honey, or fruit? The back of the label says citrus, but I don’t know. A very pleasant and sweet beer that definitely requires further investigation and enjoyment.

2. Beez Neez. The Honey Wheat Beer.

Perhaps peanut butter on toast was not the best accompaniment to this beer. All I could taste was peanut butter. Nevertheless I kept drinking, and by the second bottle I was really enjoying the unique sensation. Just a hint of honey works wonders, very crisp and smooth. I enjoyed it so much I might get it tattooed on my knees. That’s cool, right?

3. Fat Yak. The Pale Ale.

After drinking the second beer, I stood around for a while waiting for inspiration to strike. I realised I had just drank two entire beers without tasting so much as a drop. This ['review', I think he means -Ed] needs to be done in private seclusion, not in a party setting. What I remember is a heavier taste, normal for ale. But like a bad relationship, there seemed to be no fun or spontaneity. I’m sure it’s very good, I just can’t say.

4. Big Helga. The Dry Munich Style Lager.

As they say in Germany, this beer is Wunderbar! It seems to be typical of what I suppose is “The Munich Style”. Dry, bitter and heavy, its full-bodied nature means it doesn’t have to rely on subtle fruity after-tastes. Having said that, it goes down as smooth as any other beer. I guess that means appearances can be deceiving. Like when you think a tattoo is cool and ironic, when really it’s frivolous and moronic. Big Helga is quite good, but nothing ground-breaking.

The results: This has been the hardest decision since I had to choose which starter Pok'e'mon to pick. This was a very stiff competition, they were all so good. Still, a winner must be declared, so after much careful deliberation, here are the standings:

Participation Award: Fat Yak. I just don’t remember enjoying it. Shame.

Bronze Medal: Big Helga. Absolutely nothing wrong with this one. It’s just not as good as the rest.

Silver Medal: Redback. Still trying to pick that flavour. Whatever it is, I love it.

Gold Medal: Beez Neez. Despite the silly name, a worthy beer. The honey is a sweet touch (see what I did there?) Very clean and crisp, a beer worth paying a little extra for.

Spirit Sunday - This week Irish Mist Whiskey

This Week – Irish Mist ($55)

I know it's not good form for a reviewer to swoon, but I love Irish Mist Whiskey. I have been apprehensive about reviewing a whiskey because of its purity as a spirit as it's pretty similar to scotch or bourbon. The 'burn' of full spirit, and the fact that far more people drink whiskey meant I was anxious that I wouldn't find enough 'taste' to fill a review, and look like a ignoramus in the process. Thankfully, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Although Irish Mist is almost full proof (35% alcohol) the burn is beautifully mellow. On the nose are fruits, sweet honey and any number of unknown little spices and flavours. It sipped perfectly on ice, and almost as good at room temperature, where it smells the best too.

The trade off between that addition 5% of alcohol required to take it to full-proof and the incredible flavour make it the perfect example of a spiced or flavoured spirit. They haven't just poured a bottle of peach essence into the vat, like the flavoured varieties of Absolut Vodka. The tastes in Irish Mist were formed at the very start of the process, especially the honey.

The only sad bit is the price. It is worth the $50+ you'll spend on it, but that’s not an amount you can generally spend on spirits without an occasion. If your Dad has been exceptionally good this year, he'll love it and you after the first sip.

Irish Mist rates 4.75 stars.

Refraction Dissatisfaction

Beats Me

Hot Dog

I'm Stumped

Slate Mines Think Alike

Competition Winner!!! The Germs

Express Rudeness

The Exotic Beer Weekly - This week Bintang

This week: Bintang Belly

There’s an image I just can’t get out of my head as I choose my beer this week. Whenever I go to the gym, or the beach, or out in town (basically wherever youth congregate), I see this. Rat-tailed, singlet-wearing young hooligans masquerading as men.

You know the type. They have bulging biceps from countless hours ‘pumping iron’. Driving around in their ’87 VN Commodore with a 6-speed, 4.8L V8 turbo diesel engine, complete with beer in hand. I cringe every time I hear them screech “oi mate” in that peculiar idiosyncratic accent unique to Aussies.

But what does this have to do with Exotic Beer of the Week? I hear you ask. Well, it’s an all too common sight for the singlet I made mention of to be sporting a large, bright, Bintang logo. At the risk of alienating some of you, my dear reading several, I have come to associate Bintang with Bogan culture. So I have to drop my prejudices, widen my view of the world, and review this week’s beer as objectively as I can.

Bintang, an Indonesian pilsner, is actually produced by a subsidiary of Heiniken, which explains the similarity, in bottle and in taste. The thing that strikes me about Bintang, is that it’s just like every other beer. If I didn’t have the bottle, I don’t think I could readily differentiate it from say, Toohey's New.

Not that there’s anything bad about it, it still has that light, deliciously bitter flavour, with no bad after taste, but there’s just nothing special or unique about it. Like a trip to Bali, it begins with all the promise of good times, but you leave feeling slightly disappointed because you got Bali Belly from drinking the water [and only half your pirate DVDs work – Ed.]. It’s a shame, what should have been a good beer, really was bland and boring. Maybe that’s what the kind of people who wear Bintang singlets want, but not this reviewer.

I award Bintang Pilsner 2 singlets out of 5

Spirit Sunday - This week Pisa Liqueur

This week – Pisa Liqueur ($32)

Recently I've been on a personal mission to try more of the various manifestations of almond based products, and it was with this in mind I reached out and picked up Pisa Liqueur. But before I launch into the smells/tastes and so forth, I must spend a moment admiring the bottle.

Like the famous landmark of Pisa Liqueur's home city, the bottle is on a, well, lean. It slants about 5 degrees off the vertical in a way that makes you think perhaps you've drunk more than you though you had. Honestly, get yourself to a bottle shop just for a look at the bottle.

Admittedly the smell isn't great. I've found a real dislocation between what I understand the flavour of almonds to be and what almond-flavoured things actually are. The drink's website suggest it be drunk over ice or slightly warmed; I recommend over ice.

Thankfully it drinks a lot smoother than you would think it might, and I could enjoy two small glasses before I got that 'full-of-sweet-things' feeling that I get with most dessert/sweet drinks. At 24% it is a little heavier than a conventional liqueur, but it's also a little syrupy, so you don't really notice.

The artificial almond seems to dominate the three flavours the drink is supposed to have. The bottle claims Pisa's distilled with hazelnut and pistachio flavours as well, but I found them both drowned out by the almost liquorice strength of the almond. The bottle (genius) and the colour (beautiful) of the spirit rate 3.5 stars, but...

Pisa Liqueur rates 2.25 stars.

Caption Competition!

Quick Escalation

Well Suited to Poker

The Second Mouse

Grape Vines Think Alike

Urban Tall

The Cat and the Bag

A Dog's Life

The Exotic Beer Weekly - This week Mythos

This Week: The Legend of Mythos.

You'd be excused for mistaking Mythos for an obscure 4th generation pokemon, but in actuality it’s a Greek beer. Supposedly brewed by the Gods on Mount Olympus in the days when the gods walked the earth (or at least walked Olympus), Heroes fought for love and honour, and critters like Cyclops, Minotaurs and gorgons skulked about looking for evil deeds to do (I jest of course, its only been around since 1997). 

The lid popped off with a satisfying thwop, releasing an almost sweet smell. I took my first cautious sip, hopeful that the gods would favour me on my endeavour, however I was dismayed when the froth overfloweth like a tidal wave from Poseidon. 

I expected it to have a mind-shattering, world-view-altering effect; the ground would open, the seas would roar, the mountains would crumble into dust and rain down on the world like so much manna from heaven in just a perfect affirmation of life and everything in it. What I got was a surprisingly smooth, mellow taste with almost no bitterness, and just enough carbonation to remind me I was drinking lager. This is an incredibly tasty lager, kind of sweet, very smooth and very easy to drink. I enjoyed it so much I'd even consider buying it again. And at only $13 a 6-pack, why in Hades not? 

I award Mythos Hellenic Lager 4.5 Pegasus out of 5. 

[editor's notes; "Mythos" means “Myth” in Greek. Go figure. And please excuse Michael's use of olde English “overfloweth” in a piece discussing ancient Greek.]

Spirit Sunday - This Week Krupnikas Honey Liqueur

This week: Krupnikas Honey Liqueur ($34 (500mL))

Take a moment now to remember the last time you had honey. Was it on toast? A scone, maybe? A few drops in tea? What aspect of the honey drew you use it on this occasion? Its sweet taste or sticky texture? I bet you're smiling right now as you think about honey.

Krupnikas is none of the things you were just thinking about. It's thinner than you'd think but thicker than you'd want, far more sour than sweet, and just generally not very much like its alleged source.

Interestingly, none of these things are good enough reasons to stop me from recommending it. Indeed the way that it shrugs off so many aspects of its origin make it all the more exciting. At a hearty %40 alcohol by volume, its a strong liqueur, and has enough body to not burn like poison all the way down.

Like any over-proof liqueur its can be difficult to smell without cringing, however I implore you to persevere; its bark (smell) is worse than its bite (taste). For any spirit buffs out there it resembles a slightly sweeter, less sustained form of Metaxa, and for any Metaxa drinkers out there I ask only this question; why?

It mixes better with hot drinks over cold, perhaps in a hangover of its honey upbringing. This probably puts it firmly in the 'Winter drinks' category, but that's ok.

Krupnikas Honey Liqueur rates 3.5 stars.

Bad News

Hold Your Drink

It's on the tip of my tongue...

Pretty Straightforward

It's Probably Nothing

The Exotic Beer Weekly - This Week Kingfishers

This week: Slumdog Kingfisher 

With a population of over a billion people I'd be slightly worried if India couldn’t produce at least one person who knew the ancient secrets of brewing a half decent beer. Luckily it seems somebody did know how, and they called it Kingfisher Premium Lager (although it took them til 1978 to do it).

The best selling beer in India, and winner of several distinguished beer awards, it's apparently the ‘King of Good Times’, though this is as hard to swallow as water from the Ganges. As a light, full-bodied beer that has an almost fruity aftertaste it certainly goes down smooth, with almost no head at all. It definitely is a good flavour, and I did enjoy it whilst I was drinking it, as long as I ignored the bitter, almost metallic smell. 

However, the claim that it is the King of Good Times is perhaps a little exaggerated. I think of it in the same way I think of Bollywood films; sure they’re fun, whimsical and delightful, but I forget them as soon as the movie’s over. It’s just an average, run-of-the-mill lager, everything a beer should be, and nothing more. 

This isn’t a bad thing; in fact its light refreshing flavour is the perfect accessory to a good curry, or a hot summer afternoon in Delhi. And at $17 per 6-pack, and 5% alcohol, it’s certainly good value and this bumps it up half a star. If Ghandi drank beer, I’d wager he’d drink Kingfisher. 

I award Kingfisher 3.5 Taj Mahals out of 5.

Spirit Sunday - This week Hamada Syuzou (Japanese Sweet Potato Shochu)

This week: Hamada Syuzou (Japanese Sweet Potato Shochu)($39)

This week's selection of Schochu has been largely influenced by my girlfriend, who once called me her "sweet pat-ta-to". Sickly sweet, I know, but we all have pet-names, don't deny it.

Schochu baffled me at first. The bottle is frosted with a reddy-orangy colour, while the spirit itself is clear and a little syrupy. This disappointed me as I had hoped it would be the other way round. Immediately the novelty of the sweet potato origin seemed diminished; I wanted more mystery and excitement.

I had three glasses of the stuff and found each one decidedly different. The first was like a combination of cheap tequila and Bacardi, which wasn't very good. There was no magic sweet potato moment where I tasted mashed tubers or even smelled my favourite vegetable. Something happened, however, with glass number two. After my second sip I tasted something tremendous; just after the spirit left my mouth and before it fell all the way to my boiling belly I found it. Sweet potato, clear as day for about 1.25 seconds. My mind raced back to the grilled sweet potato I'd eaten a few weeks ago in a salad. I even had a flash of some sweet potato mash I'd done while entertaining several months earlier. It was incredible.

But it was quick, and try as I might I couldn't find it again. It was as if the spirit had chosen one, and only one, moment in which it would reveal its true form, and at all other times choose to taste like a sour white rum. I never found the taste again, and by my third glass chasing the dream I began to feel a bit silly and called it a day. Strangely the experience was almost spiritual. The unique use of an unexpected source left me a little bit rattled. I still have some left in the bottom of my freezer and will leave it there for a while I think. Maybe one day I'll try and find that taste again, but for now all I can do is remember it fondly.

And so I split this weeks rating into three parts. Glass one rated 1.75 stars. Glass two rated 4.125 stars. Glass three rated 2.875 stars.

Hamada Syuzou Shochu averages 2.3106 stars (approx.)

No Added Salt

Key Hole Surgery

Prescription Glasses

Apple-eyed

Sorry, no cigars.

Apples and Oranges

Seven plus Seven

The Exotic Beer Weekly - This week Radelbergers

This Week: The Radelberger Manifesto

I must say I expected better from Germany. From the country that gave us Marxism, liederhosen and Oktoberfest, I'm certainly dissapointed. I've heard German beer is well respected by scholars, and Becks is highly esteemed in this reviewer's own humble opinion.

The same can't be said for Radelbergers. As my first foray into the pilsner territory, I must admit I had very little idea what to expect. It had a dark earthy flavour that was not in and of itself entirely unpleasant, however it was not pleasant either. It was simply adequate. Even thought the bottle was only 330mL (and a respectable 4.8%) I found myself wishing by halfway through that it was over. Much like bratwurst, its like a full meal in itself when all you wanted was a sausage. I found this beer much too heavy to enjoy.

At $18 by the 6-pack I'm certainly not saying Radelbergers was bad, just that it could have been so much better.

I award Radelbergers 2.5 Germans of 5.

Spirit Sunday - This week Lemon Z!

This week: Lemon Z (500mL) ($34)

I admit to a serious tactical error in choosing Lemon Z for this week's spirit. It wasn't until I opened the stylish frosted bottle I realised the mistake I made. As a teenager I remember a party where, instead of grown-up drink, we had several bottle of lemon essence, a synthetic baking product that's 85% alcohol and 15% burning pain. I had a bottle of it to myself, drinking it 50/50 with coke if I remember correctly.

That night my vomit was so acidic it burnt a yellow hole in the carpet near the table I blacked out under. The incident, and the day that followed, have been singed into my memory as one of supreme discomfit. Herein lies the difficulty with this particular review.

Lemon Z might be very nice. In fact it might be the nicest lemon liqueur of its kind in the world; I just couldn't tell you. Every sip gives me the kind of shudder one only gets when reliving a very painful, alcohol-related memory. I tried it on ice, as the bottle suggests. I tried with an assortment of fruit juices. I almost tried it with coke but got a particularly bad series of shivers, given the combination of smells.

Unfortunately this means I have to split this review into the practical and the theoretical. Practically I can't give Lemon Z any more than 1 star. I realise however that this is entirely due to my on prejudices, and so I'll give it a theoretical rating based on what I think I might think about it had I never spent an evening in my youth swigging poison.

Theoretically Lemon Z rates 3.5 stars.

Limeicks #6 and #7

Of all the chefs the most normal, Was Dave, the incessantly formal. Though he had good range, His dishes were strange, With most punters thinking them awful. After ingesting 4 dozen oysters, Simon's stomach began to feel boisterous. He spewed up his bile, With tremendous guile, Into his pocket, avoiding a roister.

Dave's Pearls

The Long Legs of the Law

Draw your Weapon

Michael's Moustache

Today's Newspaper, Tomorrow's Fish and Chip Wrapper

Fire At Will.